Dieter’s guide to weight loss during sex

By | October 28, 2011

Activity Calories Burned

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner’s consent………………… 12
Without partner’s consent…………….. 187

UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands……………………. 7
Using one trembling hand……………….. 96

GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner…………………………. 15
Dragging partner along the floor……….. 16
Using skateboard………………………… 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION
For normal, healthy man……………. 2 1/4
For normal healthy women……………. 549
Losing erection………………………… 1/4
Searching for it………………………. 115

PUTTING ON PROPHYLACTIC
With erection……………………….. 1 1/4
Without erection……………………… 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is Experienced.. 6
Inexperienced……………………………. 73
A man does it regardless of experience… 680
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

INSERTION
If woman is ready…………………….. 1/4
If man is not…………………………. 274

METHOD OF SEX
Tender and loving
Man on top……………………………. 275
Woman on top…………………………. 400
Man on bottom, eyes on woman………. 535

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian: man on top, woman in kitchen….. 26
Russian: woman on bottom, man getting permission………………………………. 55
American: both on top…………………. 60

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Bouncing………………………………….. 7
Sliding around……………………………. 9
Serious skidding…………………………12
Whiplash……………………………….. 27

ORGASM
Real……………………………………… 27
Faked……………………………………. 160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off…………………………. 35
Expression didn’t change……………… 1/2
Orchestra swelled……………………….. 6
Birds sang
Large birds…………………… 7
Small birds………………………………. 3
Earth moved…………………………….. 30

PULLING OUT
After orgasm…………………………. 1/4
A few moments before orgasm……….. 500

PENIS ENVY
For woman……………………………….. 3
For man…………………………………. 72

GUILT
Despite almost no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally and spontaneously………… 53
You’re enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving……………….. 2
Sex on your lunch hour………………….. 3
And you put it on your expense report….. 20

AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants.. 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay…………………………………. 14
Partner just visited bathroom for the seventh time…………………………….. 10
Partner is taking phone calls…………….. 7
Partner is making phone calls…………. 40

GETTING CAUGHT
By partner’s spouse……………………. 60
By your spouse…………………….. 60 1/2
Trying to explain……………………… 165
Trying to remain calm………………… 100
Leaping out of bed………………………. 25
Getting dressed in one large motion….. 300
Thanking partner quickly………………… 2

Related stuff:
10 rules for dieting

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